The Obnoxious Student

Posted: May 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

It’s 8:00 in the morning, you’re barely alive, probably hungover and sitting in class. You would give anything for it to just be quiet for the next 50 minutes. You have a pretty laid back professor so there is hope you won’t have to kill yourself before class ends. Then they walk in. That one student that’s in almost every college class. This is the student who has a quota on how many words he/she has to say each day. This is when you should just get up and go back to bed. 

Everyone has dealt with someone like this. The Student has a comment after everything the professor says. They sit there for an entire class and argue after every point anybody makes. Meanwhile you’re sitting there, barely able to understand the English language this early in the morning, and trying to think of good places to hide the body. 

In all honesty, what is it with these people? What makes them be so incredibly annoying? Arguing with college professors is the most pointless idea ever. They could literally put a slide show of their stamp collection of the screen and keep their job; I don’t think they are concerned with what some kid whose name they’ll never learn really thinks about their interpretation of Shakespeare. 

How do these kids not see every student in the class shaking their heads and rolling their eyes? Shouldn’t you be allowed to just backhand these kids? It’s not very likely that anyone in class is paying two hundred and thirty six thousand dollars a semester to hear what you think. 

So please people, go to class, sit down and shut up. The students do not really care about what you think unless you’re writing the final. Everyone just wants to go to class and daydream in peace; they don’t need to hear you freaking out about your view on evolution.

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The Back In

Posted: April 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

Nothing like having to pass up a prime parking spot because someone decided to back their car into about 4 spots. You get to spend the next fifteen minutes cruising around some parking lot listening to traffic reports and commercials for teen night at some club while that driver is twirling their keys and loving life.

You whip it right in there, slurping on your iced cappuccino singing the new Adele song with tears in your eyes. Between all this you somehow don’t notice your Toyota is practically perpendicular with the parking lines. I know those mirrors on the side of the car can be confusing but they are there to help.

Shouldn’t there be a test you have to pass before you’re allowed to back-in to a spot. I say you should be required to complete at least 20 successful back-ins before you’re allowed to perform one in an actual parking lot. Keying all cars that cross the lines should be mandatory.

This isn’t in any way directed towards any particular gender, it’s just as common to see some massive pick up truck taking up 3 spots as it is to see a cute little cobalt. The point is that if you can’t back-in, don’t back-in. If the concept of placing an object between two straight lines is too confusing for you, maybe you should be taking the bus.

Unfollowed

Posted: March 29, 2012 in Social Media
Tags: , ,

“I am the luckiest girl in the world, my boyfriend loves me so much”
“Nobody understands what I’m going through #misshimsomuch”
“Why do girls complain about guys and just keep dating jerks?”
“OMG I just ate 3 whole slices of pizza #fatgirlprobz (upload a picture)”

These are just a small sampling of tweets and Facebook updates that immediately result in your termination from my feed. These aren’t even the worst I’ve seen just what I would call a general summary of the basics. If your life is that pathetic and sad that the only person you have to vent about it to is your social media following then it’s just about time to give up hope. This might seem a bit harsh but just think about it, if 400 people, most of whom you would walk right past in an empty hallway if you saw them, are the only people you have to complain to aren’t you doing something seriously wrong.

Girls get most of the blame but this issue is not gender specific. Some of you guys out there are killing us, seriously, man up. If you can’t get a girl to talk to you, you’re weird or creepy or just not enjoyable to be around, stop trying to throw the normal guys under the bus. Also, stop with the angry or emotional posts when your fighting with your girlfriend. We all know your just trying to get her attention and it’s embarrassing for all of us. I know society has made a lot of progress and it’s supposed to be ok for guys to be sensitive, but you still can’t cry in public so you can’t cry on Twitter.

Now ladies, what is your plan exactly? How many Taylor Swift/Adele lyrics can you post before you let it go. I’m not sure what the recovery time on a breakup is but the attention span of all of your friends on Facebook was over before you changed your relationship status. Stop blowing up our feeds with your feelings, go see a therapist. For those of you who haven’t been dumped yet, enough with the mobile pics of you kissing and tweets about loving him and is there any reason ever to write on his wall or tweet at him? You have each others phone numbers, why is it necessary that 500 people see what you’re saying to him? It’s not, you’re right so enough begging for attention. As far as the food posts go I’m not sure why you’re advertising that, that’s like a guy tweeting updates of his hairline receding.

I know I’m not the first to say it, but these things are still happening in the world today. I’m not sure if we need Sarah Mclachlan to do a depressing commercial about it but we need to keep raising awareness. It’s nothing personal, but please people just because your life is depressing doesn’t mean we have to come down with you.

Everyone has been there. You don’t know how or why you’re with this person, but you are. Driving in a car alone with a person you have had limited to no contact with in your life. You and this person have no desire to interact with each other and yet you’re stuck for the 15 minutes it’s going to take to get out of the car, which you’ll likely spend debating the pros and cons of just jerking the car off the road, at least then you would have something to talk about. There are a couple of strategies people use to deal with the discomfort.

Obviously the first is to try and make conversation; the only problem is this person isn’t interesting, if they were you probably would have been friends. After about 38 seconds of this forced conversation you’re searching the car for something shiny to hold your interest. This is about the time when you start wondering to yourself how Eric from Boy Meets World became such a loser after high school. Also what are the chances that in college every character was in the same class and Feeny was the professor? Sean was a terrible student and Topanga was valedictorian, how are they going to the same college with the same major? I really miss that show.

Another idea is to turn up the radio, right? Except that is destined to lead to this exhilarating conversation, person A, “What kind of music do you like?” person B, “Oh I don’t care I’ll listen to anything” A, “Well it’s up to you I don’t care” B, “It’s your car you pick” A “I really don’t care”. Well at least there was no more awkward conversation right? Also, what’s worse than that panic before you start the car trying to remember the song you were just listening to and how loud you were listening to it? Nothing will set the tone for the awkwardness of that car ride like having Genie In a Bottle by Christina Aguilera blasting when you get in.

The lesson here is to buy a motorcycle, obviously. I don’t care if its winter or hurricane like conditions outside, that’s better than what you’re going through in that car. You’re going to spend the entire drive texting anyway, that’s just as dangerous right?

I’m going to start this off with a disclaimer, this isn’t intended to offend you ladies, just help you out. Somewhere along the lines you got the idea that you should count on your girlfriends for advice about anything. This was a very unfortunate moment for you.

If you want to get advice from your friends on shoes and clothes and makeup that’s fine, we don’t really care about that. However when it comes to getting advice on relationships with men, stop talking to your girlfriends, they are clueless. They have your best intentions at heart and I’m sure they are trying but they are wrong. If women all understood men, why would any of them need advice in the first place? Oh they wouldn’t? Ok that’s what I figured. It’s commonly understood that men don’t get women and we’ve learned to deal with it, but women somewhere got the impression that they have men figured out, and it has had disastrous consequences.

You may tell yourself “Well Cindy has been in a lot of relationships; she’ll know what to do”. The reason Cindy has been in a lot of relationships is because she sucks at them. Maybe you have a friend who has been in a relationship for a while so she must know what she’s doing right? Maybe she does but I doubt she has ever taken any advice from you because she knows you’re wrong. Think about it, if Sandy knows everything about how to make your boyfriend happy, he would be Sandy’s boyfriend. Behind every successful relationship is a coed friend. Guys figured this out a long time ago because they aren’t allowed to talk to their friends about relationships without having someone insinuating they are lacking aspects of the male anatomy. As a result guys all have one girl who they go to with relationship issues and can expect solid advice. I’m sure the winning concepts of “playing hard to get” and “trying to make him jealous” and even the silent treatment found their origin at some girl’s night over a box of Franzia. Here’s how that conversation went, Becky- “I bet guys really love being angry” Tiffany – “Yea! Let’s make a list of stuff that makes guys mad, they’re going to love us!” Becky and Tiffany died alone and miserable, metaphorically.

Taking advice from magazines like Cosmo and shows like Sex and the City are a whole different issue for another day. In the meantime, please people stop thinking your girlfriends have it figured out they are just as clueless as you, the men in your life would appreciate it.

PDA

Isn’t love a beautiful thing? No, no it’s not. Ok, maybe that’s a little harsh but there is certainly a time and a place. Everyone has seen these public love fests ranging anywhere from simple hand holding to practically conceiving in the hallway. Is there anything more unnecessary than smothering your significant other against a wall at the mall? If you are really that in love that you can’t keep your hands off each other then don’t leave your house, we would all appreciate it.

On the surface it would seem there are innocent ways to show affection for someone in public. Hand holding seems cute and doesn’t really bother anyone right? This is true sometimes, but too many times you see an innocent hand hold escalate into something so much worse. It starts off innocent enough, but quickly you start feeling those giddy butterflies and it turns into a swinging hand hold, with everyone behind you ducking away from the pendulum of your entangled fingers. Next thing you know, your swaying away from your partner just so they can pull you back in. Sounds cute right? Not to the 39 other people in the hallway who now have to avoid the happy couple consuming 8 feet of hallway. A little hand holding is fine, just don’t let yourself get out of control. While we’re on the subject of walking, the whole hip holding movement needs to be stopped, I don’t know who started it or why but they need to be found and punished. Everyone knows you feel as awkward as you look walking that way, so stop.

How about public lap sitting? How often do you see that in your college library or even in a small restaurant? Does this even deserve a paragraph? No it doesn’t, you’re right.

Everyone loves seeing a little public groping right? What possess a person to try to get to second base in public? The only thing more appalling than someone even attempting this is someone else seemingly enjoying it. There is nothing that says “I want to be taken seriously” like letting your boyfriend feel you up in the hall, isn’t this the equivalent of not wanting guys to hit on you at a bar but wearing a skin tight dress? Listen, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the female body, it’s a beautiful thing, but when you do it in public you deserve to be slapped, hard.

Lastly we’ve come to public kissing. Obviously there are no issues with a little kiss goodbye, but let’s keep it reasonable. I’m thinking around 3 seconds as a max seems fair, and no tongue. A good rule of thumb for public kissing is to imagine your mom is watching, what would she say to you pressing your special someone against a wall and checking their tonsils? This isn’t the movies, that long romantic kiss isn’t adorable it’s gross and someone is probably tweeting about it as soon as they walk by you.

So please people, keep it in the bedroom, or any other private venue you choose, but not in he public forum. Nobody wants to maneuver around your bubble of emotion to get to where their going. People don’t think it’s cute; they want to spray you with cold water.

Posted: January 26, 2012 in Social Etiquette
Tags: , ,

Door Etiquette

Posted: January 26, 2012 in Social Etiquette
Tags: ,

It’s safe to say that just about everyone has at some point either held open a door and/or had a door held open for them. This is always a polite gesture and is generally appreciated. There are some people in this world however who clearly do not understand the common courtesy of door holding. Sacrificing your valuable time in order to increase someone else’s convenience is a selfless act that should not go unappreciated. In my opinion it is these people, who do not truly appreciate the etiquette of door holding, that will cause the devolution of society. There are a few ways in which one can blatantly ignore the societal rules of door holding.

The first and most obvious is the person who doesn’t even bother with a thank you after waltzing through your held door. You can’t tell me after standing there holding a door for someone who doesn’t even bother to thank you, you don’t secretly imagine karma guiding that person into traffic.

Another violation of common door etiquette is the person who takes their sweet time getting through the door. Now as an aside, it is sometimes difficult to determine what the proper distance between a person and the door warrants a hold (I would say around 10 yards), so if someone is leading you by 50 feet nobody is expecting to sprint down the hall. In the normal case however, it is expected that a person will pick up the pace a little when they see you holding the door. Now I agree that the awkward lunge some people do through the door is unnecessary and you should have every right to trip them to the ground, but a little power walk would be appropriate, once you make it through you can get back to giggling at your boyfriends text message.

Finally the last main offense of door etiquette is the double door refusal. This occurs when you hold one door for a person and the door is immediately followed by another which is promptly slammed shut behind the person you just let through. Now I don’t know if there’s a heaven, but I can say for sure there is a special type of hell for this person. Any person who commits this offense has undoubtedly committed to two main offenses prior to that. They should have just saved you the time and told you go to “F” yourself, spit on you and insulted your mother. People like this should be thrown in prison with rapists and murderers.

These are just a few of my personal observations of the way some members of our society treat each other in this regard. Feel free to comment with any other violations or wrongs you’ve been subjected to at the hands of a door abuser, you’re not alone.