Archive for January, 2012

I’m going to start this off with a disclaimer, this isn’t intended to offend you ladies, just help you out. Somewhere along the lines you got the idea that you should count on your girlfriends for advice about anything. This was a very unfortunate moment for you.

If you want to get advice from your friends on shoes and clothes and makeup that’s fine, we don’t really care about that. However when it comes to getting advice on relationships with men, stop talking to your girlfriends, they are clueless. They have your best intentions at heart and I’m sure they are trying but they are wrong. If women all understood men, why would any of them need advice in the first place? Oh they wouldn’t? Ok that’s what I figured. It’s commonly understood that men don’t get women and we’ve learned to deal with it, but women somewhere got the impression that they have men figured out, and it has had disastrous consequences.

You may tell yourself “Well Cindy has been in a lot of relationships; she’ll know what to do”. The reason Cindy has been in a lot of relationships is because she sucks at them. Maybe you have a friend who has been in a relationship for a while so she must know what she’s doing right? Maybe she does but I doubt she has ever taken any advice from you because she knows you’re wrong. Think about it, if Sandy knows everything about how to make your boyfriend happy, he would be Sandy’s boyfriend. Behind every successful relationship is a coed friend. Guys figured this out a long time ago because they aren’t allowed to talk to their friends about relationships without having someone insinuating they are lacking aspects of the male anatomy. As a result guys all have one girl who they go to with relationship issues and can expect solid advice. I’m sure the winning concepts of “playing hard to get” and “trying to make him jealous” and even the silent treatment found their origin at some girl’s night over a box of Franzia. Here’s how that conversation went, Becky- “I bet guys really love being angry” Tiffany – “Yea! Let’s make a list of stuff that makes guys mad, they’re going to love us!” Becky and Tiffany died alone and miserable, metaphorically.

Taking advice from magazines like Cosmo and shows like Sex and the City are a whole different issue for another day. In the meantime, please people stop thinking your girlfriends have it figured out they are just as clueless as you, the men in your life would appreciate it.



Posted: January 26, 2012 in Social Etiquette
Tags: , ,

Isn’t love a beautiful thing? No, no it’s not. Ok, maybe that’s a little harsh but there is certainly a time and a place. Everyone has seen these public love fests ranging anywhere from simple hand holding to practically conceiving in the hallway. Is there anything more unnecessary than smothering your significant other against a wall at the mall? If you are really that in love that you can’t keep your hands off each other then don’t leave your house, we would all appreciate it.

On the surface it would seem there are innocent ways to show affection for someone in public. Hand holding seems cute and doesn’t really bother anyone right? This is true sometimes, but too many times you see an innocent hand hold escalate into something so much worse. It starts off innocent enough, but quickly you start feeling those giddy butterflies and it turns into a swinging hand hold, with everyone behind you ducking away from the pendulum of your entangled fingers. Next thing you know, your swaying away from your partner just so they can pull you back in. Sounds cute right? Not to the 39 other people in the hallway who now have to avoid the happy couple consuming 8 feet of hallway. A little hand holding is fine, just don’t let yourself get out of control. While we’re on the subject of walking, the whole hip holding movement needs to be stopped, I don’t know who started it or why but they need to be found and punished. Everyone knows you feel as awkward as you look walking that way, so stop.

How about public lap sitting? How often do you see that in your college library or even in a small restaurant? Does this even deserve a paragraph? No it doesn’t, you’re right.

Everyone loves seeing a little public groping right? What possess a person to try to get to second base in public? The only thing more appalling than someone even attempting this is someone else seemingly enjoying it. There is nothing that says “I want to be taken seriously” like letting your boyfriend feel you up in the hall, isn’t this the equivalent of not wanting guys to hit on you at a bar but wearing a skin tight dress? Listen, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the female body, it’s a beautiful thing, but when you do it in public you deserve to be slapped, hard.

Lastly we’ve come to public kissing. Obviously there are no issues with a little kiss goodbye, but let’s keep it reasonable. I’m thinking around 3 seconds as a max seems fair, and no tongue. A good rule of thumb for public kissing is to imagine your mom is watching, what would she say to you pressing your special someone against a wall and checking their tonsils? This isn’t the movies, that long romantic kiss isn’t adorable it’s gross and someone is probably tweeting about it as soon as they walk by you.

So please people, keep it in the bedroom, or any other private venue you choose, but not in he public forum. Nobody wants to maneuver around your bubble of emotion to get to where their going. People don’t think it’s cute; they want to spray you with cold water.

Door Etiquette

Posted: January 26, 2012 in Social Etiquette
Tags: ,

It’s safe to say that just about everyone has at some point either held open a door and/or had a door held open for them. This is always a polite gesture and is generally appreciated. There are some people in this world however who clearly do not understand the common courtesy of door holding. Sacrificing your valuable time in order to increase someone else’s convenience is a selfless act that should not go unappreciated. In my opinion it is these people, who do not truly appreciate the etiquette of door holding, that will cause the devolution of society. There are a few ways in which one can blatantly ignore the societal rules of door holding.

The first and most obvious is the person who doesn’t even bother with a thank you after waltzing through your held door. You can’t tell me after standing there holding a door for someone who doesn’t even bother to thank you, you don’t secretly imagine karma guiding that person into traffic.

Another violation of common door etiquette is the person who takes their sweet time getting through the door. Now as an aside, it is sometimes difficult to determine what the proper distance between a person and the door warrants a hold (I would say around 10 yards), so if someone is leading you by 50 feet nobody is expecting to sprint down the hall. In the normal case however, it is expected that a person will pick up the pace a little when they see you holding the door. Now I agree that the awkward lunge some people do through the door is unnecessary and you should have every right to trip them to the ground, but a little power walk would be appropriate, once you make it through you can get back to giggling at your boyfriends text message.

Finally the last main offense of door etiquette is the double door refusal. This occurs when you hold one door for a person and the door is immediately followed by another which is promptly slammed shut behind the person you just let through. Now I don’t know if there’s a heaven, but I can say for sure there is a special type of hell for this person. Any person who commits this offense has undoubtedly committed to two main offenses prior to that. They should have just saved you the time and told you go to “F” yourself, spit on you and insulted your mother. People like this should be thrown in prison with rapists and murderers.

These are just a few of my personal observations of the way some members of our society treat each other in this regard. Feel free to comment with any other violations or wrongs you’ve been subjected to at the hands of a door abuser, you’re not alone.